Consent is Sexy

Having a good understanding of what sexual consent means will help you navigate not only the swinging world, but sex in general. This helps everyone feel safe and consequently have lots of fun!

Consenting and asking for consent is all about setting your personal boundaries and respecting those of your partner/s — and checking in if things aren’t clear. Both/all people must agree to sex — every single time — for it to be consensual.

Consent is sexy and is as easy as FRIES.

FRIES stands for:

Freely given. Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Watch body language. Not just your partner’s, but also between others. Tension and/or hesitancy means non-consent. Don’t play into “taking one for the team”, it usually doesn’t end well.

Being intoxicated is the fastest way to get yourselves shown the door. Consume only just enough alcohol to be sociable (or calm your nerves). You cannot give consent when you’re drunk, nor can you hear someone else give consent.

Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed.

It can feel very difficult to withdraw consent once things have started, but it’s important to learn how to. No one ever owes anyone sex or access to their body.

Here are some phrases.

• “Thank you for the play session. It was fun but I’ve had enough now.”

• “I’m sorry but I’ve changed my mind.”

• “I thought I was good to go, but I’m just not feeling it right now. Can we cuddle instead?”

Informed. This means knowing exactly what is happening before, during, and after the activity. Saying yes to one thing (like agreeing to a massage) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex).

Checking in intermittently is sexy!

“Can I undress you?” whilst you’re kissing their neck.

“Can I lick/suck you?” as you sensually nibble down their body.

Condom use is (or should be) expected in any casual sex encounter.

If it wasn’t specifically discussed prior to the session and you don’t use one, this could be stealthing which is a sexual offense.

Enthusiastic. When it comes to sex, you should only do stuff you WANT to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do.

• Silence is a No.

• Maybe later is a No.

• I don’t know is a No.

If it’s not a Yes, it’s not consent.

Specific. Consent is required every single time. Having great sex at one party doesn’t automatically mean you have consent next time you see each other.

Consent is an ongoing process: it must be gained before any touching or sexual activity and be present throughout. Checking in throughout the sexual encounter makes your partner feel safe, and it can certainly be done in a sexy way without breaking the mood.

A few extra points:

These rules apply to everyone, regardless of gender. Everyone has a right to feel safe.

You will make mistakes. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, just do better next time. Pull yourself up on it and apologise. This engenders trust, and they will appreciate it.

Some people let a consent violation slide because they do not want to make trouble. Don’t let it slide. Say something: “Hey, you didn’t ask first!”. If they do not apologise and continue to ignore boundaries, please report to staff. This is grounds for eviction.

In summary

Sexual consent is understanding that it begins at asking before touching, it’s upheld when stopping play halfway through if required, and knowing it needs to be renegotiated from scratch the next time.

Beyond the sex, it’s acknowledging everyone has the right to bodily autonomy, and this should be respected unconditionally.

Consent Culture underpins everything The Rabbit Hole Adelaide stands for.